As I mentioned in this post, I’ve been struggling for some time with a rather life consuming issue. I know, dramatic. But sometimes the big issues are big issues. So what is it? Unexplained infertility.
Sometimes it’s hard to say out loud, or in this case write. Sometimes thinking about it makes me cry in the most inopportune places. It’s a great little minefield in my brain. Sometimes I like to pretend it’s not really a part of my story and I’m just trying out someone else’s life for a moment. Coping mechanisms, I suppose.
Thankfully, I’ve had some amazing, supportive friends who have walked with me through this difficult journey. My heart longs for children, it has for as long as I can remember. I am so very thankful for Zeke, he is a wonderful blessing and a constant reminder of God’s love and grace and mercy. But my heart still longs for more children and I keep praying and asking everyone I know to pray that God will give us more kids. So, if you’re reading this, consider yourself asked! Please pray that God will give us more children!
Sometimes it feels like God has forgotten me, or doesn’t see me, or doesn’t hear me. My brain knows that isn’t true but my heart has trouble hearing it at times.
But God sends along some pretty great blessings to remind me that He knows I’m here, He hears my prayers, even the one’s I didn’t pray but should have! So, I’ve been keeping track of those little blessings and answers to remind myself on the days when I feel forgotten.
God hears me. God sees me. God loves me. God knows me.
I don’t know why this particular prayer continues to be answered with a no. But I know He has a plan for my life and that He loves me.
I will continue to pray Not My Will, But His, over my life. Even when it really, really isn’t what I want.
The other day I went to see a friend and she gave me a giant bag of hand-me-downs for Z. I love hand-me-downs! I try to be wise with my finances and anytime I can save money is a win! But there’s more to this story than convenience.
Not 12 hours before I went to Kate’s house I had gone through Z’s clothes and put away the things he has out grown. As I was hanging the clothes for the next stage I realized I only had about 10 items for him to wear. I showed my husband the closet and he was as surprised as I was! Usually I am on top of clothes for Z because we have awesome consignment sales about every 6 months where I go and stock up! The next one isn’t until the end of summer so we were figuring out a budget and what we were going to do about clothes for him.
The next day at Kate’s house, just as I was about to leave she asked if I had any need for clothes because she had just finished cleaning out her sons closet and was ready to get rid of clothes!!! In the exact size I needed!!!! I got goosebumps and tears as I told her my story!!
God has done this twice before with hand-me-downs! So maybe God speaks to me through hand-me-downs! Ha!!!
Anyway, there are a million things to say on this issue. I’m sure I will say much more on here. But for now that’s all.
If you are struggling with infertility, I am so sorry. Know this is a place you can talk about your struggles and be loved. Feel free to email me if you want to talk more on this subject.